Randomness – Version 1.0

I used to write a blog a while back, and ended up with quite a few "followers". One of everyone's favorite blog posts was the "Randomness" posts. So, here you go! The first Randomness post of this new blog. Believe me...there will be many more to come. :-)

        -  If I am by myself in the car coming home from somewhere, I always drive down the road that goes through the hospital because I want to be as close to the hospital as possible when I’m thinking about Mom. It’s the last place she saw my face. It’s the last place she spoke to me. It’s the last place she gave me a hug and said, “Everything will be ok.” It’s the last place I saw her alive.

        -  I have the strangest and nerdiest nighttime/bedtime routine of anyone I know…and probably of anyone YOU know as well. See, I have every single Harry Potter movie recorded on my DVR. Every night, I watch different ones from the time I get in bed until the time I get OUT of bed in the morning. I also have a huge bag of in-shell roasted and salted peanuts, a full pack of cigarettes, a brand new 20oz Mello Yello and my laptop. By the time the sun is coming up, I’ve gone through half the pack of cigs (sometimes more, sometimes less), I’ve eaten most of the peanuts, I’ve had the entire Mello Yello, I’ve probably written some nonsensical thing for the blog, and I’ve MAYBE gotten a couple of hours of sleep somewhere in there. Everyone tells me that the caffeine and nicotine don’t help my insomnia…but I think it’s all the peanuts I eat. ;-)

       -  I’m a grown-up. I realize that cigarettes are bad for me. I realize that they can cause severe and possibly fatal diseases. I realize that it makes my breath, hair and clothes smell bad. I realize that they’re the reason that I have a yucky cough in the morning. I realize that they’re the reason that I take longer to recover from a cold or bronchitis. I realize that they’re probably the reason that I GOT the cold or bronchitis in the first place. I realize that I NEED to quit. I realize that I need to quit to help the blood flow to my bones. I realize that I need to quit because my awesome hubs-to-be, who is a NON-smoker, will like to kiss me more often. I realize that I need to quit because my mother got cancer when she was only 41 years old. I realize that I need to quit because I want to have a baby. Trust me…I realize it all. I’m an adult. I’m not stupid. I know all of these things already…so please stop telling me. If you’ve been a smoker and have been through everything I’ve been through, and you were still able to quit and STAY quit…then by all means…give me some advice. But…and this is a BIG but…if you have NEVER smoked a cigarette in your life, PLEASE do not tell me how “easy” it should be to quit. Yes, it SHOULD be very easy to quit…but guess what…it isn’t.

        -  I turn thirty on Saturday. I know a lot of people who dreaded the big 3-0. But I’m pumped about turning thirty. It’s the start of a new decade. I truly believe that my thirties will be vastly greater than my twenties. I mean, really. If my thirties aren’t better than my twenties…I’m in some deep poop. I feel a bit guilty saying that, though. I mean, Mom won’t be here to see my thirties. She won’t even be here to see me TURN thirty. It’s hard to get excited about a “big” birthday when the person who gave birth to you is gone forever. I have to have something to look forward to, though. It’s taken me almost thirty years to find a friendship that isn’t a one-way street. It’s taken me almost thirty years to get engaged to the perfect man. It’s taken me almost thirty years to decide to REALLY try to have a baby. My twenty-ninth year on this earth was incredible and horrible all at the same time. Everything in my life has taken a turn for the better, but I lost half of me when Mom died. I have to realize how blessed I am that at least Mom got to see me find that amazing friendship. G got to call and ask her permission to marry me just moments before he proposed. Just two weeks before she died, I was able to tell her that I was finally going to give her that grandbaby that she’s been wanting for years. And a few days before she lost consciousness, I was able to tell her that my doctors ALL gave me the “green light” to start trying. The smile on her face will live with me forever.

       -  Most of my close friends and family know that I have GAD and OCLW. These are the technical terms I have come up with for my weirdness. GAD stands for Geographic Anxiety Disorder. I have a very hard time driving somewhere that I’ve never been before…at least 10 times before. I’m ok if the “new” place I’m going is located in an area that I’m pretty familiar with. To this day, I refuse to drive through downtown Birmingham even though people tell me that it’s the easiest place to drive through. If I were forced to drive through downtown Atlanta…just shoot me, please. OCLW stands for Obsessive Compulsive List Writing. This one is pretty self explanatory. It’s probably one of the reasons that I absolutely LOVE writing “Randomness” blog posts. I get to write them in somewhat of a list form. I will write to-do lists, NOT-to-do lists, things-I-need-to-eventually-put-on-my-to-do-list lists, home-project lists, supplies-for-home-project lists, gift lists, things-that-make-me-happy lists, things-that-tick-me-off lists, regular-grocery lists, color-coded-grocery lists, color-coded-sorted-by-type-grocery lists, holiday lists, holiday-decorations lists, holiday-gifts lists, what-I-want-for-certain-holidays lists, what-ideas-I-have-for-other-people-for-future-holidays lists, ideas lists, ideas-for-novels lists, ideas-for-characters-for-novels lists, ideas-why-I-can’t-ever-get-started-on-my-novel lists, lists-of-lists-that-I’d-like-to-make lists, and every other list you can think of. The GAD…I could do without. However, I kind of dig the OCLW. ;-)

  - I wish there was a way that I could put into words how much I appreciate my hubs-to-be. I tell him how much I appreciate him. I make sure that I say “Thank You” for everything he does for me…even for the “small” things like bringing me something from the kitchen. But I wish there was a way to get him to TRULY understand how much I respect and admire him. The man literally works an average of 65-70 hours in five days per week. He works faithfully and loyally for a company that treats him like crap even though he’s worked there for fifteen years. He will show up on time to work…rain or shine, sleet or snow, hurricane or tropical storm. In the decade that we’ve been together, I’ve known him to take time off work other than vacation only twice. Once, when he had his wisdom teeth SURGICALLY removed…he took one day off work. The second time, he took a medical leave when he had to have serious back surgery and was out of work for about six weeks. Even though, after fifteen years of work he’s earned four weeks of vacation…he has been known to only take two or three weeks because he’s been needed at the store. He does all of this to take care of his family. The sad part is, I’m the only one who tells him on a regular basis how much his hard work is appreciated. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for him. He’s worked so hard in every aspect of his life for so long. I hate seeing how exhausted he is every day. I hate seeing how defeated he is after someone at work has berated or criticized him. It breaks my heart that more people in his life don’t just grab him in a hug and say, “Do what makes you happy. Be HAPPY in this life!” Instead, most people in his life just “expect” him to be giving and loving…but they never give it back to him. Other than me, I don’t know of one person who has asked him, “What do YOU want?” To many people, it doesn’t matter what HE wants…it’s what THEY want him to be. So…I try. I do my best to smother him with love and appreciation. But it’s hard to make up for everyone else who constantly make him believe that he’s just not good enough. It’s so ridiculous. If anyone on this planet deserves happiness and is WAY more than good enough…it’s him. I am unbelievably grateful to have him in my life. I am incredibly proud of everything he has and will accomplish in his life. But more than anything else, I want him to be happy again. Not just having happy “moments”…but truly happy, content, spontaneous and loving life…just like he used to be. He deserves all of that and nothing less. He probably will never read this. Hell, he barely has time to shower, let alone read some nonsense I’m writing on the computer. However, if he ever does happen across this in the future:

“My love, my hope for you is that you get everything in life that you could ever even DREAM of having. I hope that I get to see that light come back into your eyes because YOU have made the light keep burning in mine. You are everything and more that I could ask for in a husband and father to my children. I can’t wait to see you with our son or daughter. I pray that you feel hope somewhere inside of you. I pray that there is still a spark of the dreams you had for yourself somewhere in your heart. I wish I had the words to express how truly grateful I am that you chose me. I hope and pray that you know somewhere inside of you that my respect, admiration and appreciation for you is beyond any words that my meager vocabulary could express. I love you more than my own life. Always & Forever!”