My Fling With Addiction

Since I’m just “letting it all hang out”, I figure it’s only fair that I clue everyone in to a major issue that I went through this past year. If you know me, then you know that I have Avascular Necrosis or AVN. If you have no idea what AVN is, or what I go through on a daily basis, please go here before you read further.

So, because I deal with pain on a daily basis, I’ve been going to see a pain management doc for almost three years. For over two years, I stayed on the same drug: Hydrocodone aka Lortab. For those of you who may not know much about the drug, let me fill you in on some fun little details. First off, Lortab is a highly addictive medication. Secondly, if you have to be on it long-term, your body will “adapt” to it, so you must keep raising the dosage to keep your pain under control. Third, Lortab is a combination of hydrocodone and acetaminophen. Acetaminophen is the generic term for Tylenol. If you take too much acetaminophen, it can destroy your liver. The max dosage that you can take per day without blowing up your organs is 4000mg of acetaminophen. In a regular extra-strength Tylenol, there is 500mg of acetaminophen in ONE pill. In a regular Lortab pill there is also 500mg of acetaminophen in ONE pill along with 5, 7.5, or 10mg of hydrocodone depending on what dosage your doctor gives you. Within months of beginning my pain med regimen, I was taking the maximum amount of acetaminophen per day. So, my doc gave me Norco, which is exactly like Lortab except it has a lower dose of acetaminophen in it. I was prescribed ten 10/350 Norco pills a day. That means I was getting 100mg of hydrocodone and 3500mg of acetaminophen per day. Yes, that IS a lot of pain medication.

One HUGE side effect of taking anything with hydrocodone is that you feel a surge of “energy” when you take the pill. I used to call it “project time.” I could pop two of my pills, and for the next hour, I could clean my whole house and feel fantastic while doing it. Of course, my body “adapted” to the amount that I was taking. I started off taking an extra pill when my pain got really bad. After a while, those “extras” became regular, until after several months, I was downing about double my prescribed amount EVERY SINGLE DAY! Yep…do the math. I was taking 200mg of hydrocodone and a whopping 7000mg of acetaminophen PER DAY! Of course, I was running out of my meds extremely early. I was trading pills with people, convincing people at the pharmacy to fill my meds almost a week early, stretching a small handful of pills to get me through that last week before I went to go see the pain doc. I was lying to everyone…including myself. I was justifying every action to myself. I truly believed that I NEEDED this medicine. I honestly didn’t even SEE what I was doing to myself. My pain medicine was ruling my entire life…and I didn’t even know it.

Almost a year ago, my saving grace came in the form of a psychologist who worked for the pain center. I got a call one day saying that I needed to have an “evaluation” done with the psych. The nurse assured me that it was a routine thing, but the sick feeling I had in my stomach told me that this “routine thing” was anything but. I was right. See, every time I had a visit with the doctor, they would do a drug screen. I always thought I was doing great. I mean, I never took any drug that the docs didn’t prescribe to me. I never used any “illegal” drugs. I didn’t even drink alcohol. I couldn’t imagine how or why I would feel so sick to my stomach about seeing this dude. However, it never occurred to me that they also check to see HOW MUCH of a drug is in your system. Mine came back that there was hardly anything in my system. When they asked me before the test how much I had taken that day, I gave my automatic answer that I had taken a few. That was a lie. I hadn’t taken ANY for days because I had run out…again.

When I walked into the psych’s office, I jokingly said, “I feel like I’ve been called to the principal’s office.” He chuckled, but didn’t seem too amused. That scared me. He told me about my test results. Then he looked me square in the eye and said, “You’re taking too many of your meds, aren’t you?” We talked for a long time. He was some kind of mind reader, I tell you. He “knew” that I was experiencing some major stress in my life. He “knew” that I wasn’t a “true addict”, but that I used the drug for something other than my pain. He informed me that abusing my medication could actually make my pain WORSE, which explained why I kept feeling like I needed more to make the pain go away. The entire time he talked, I looked at him in amazement, wondering how he could’ve had any idea that I didn’t even see what I was doing. He said, “It feels like you’re drowning, and all you’re doing is trying to keep your head above water. Am I right?” I burst into tears. Immediately, everything became clear to me. I sobbed and sobbed and dripped snot on his pretty mahogany desk. I asked him if I was being kicked out of the program. He said he was there only for the truth. And for the first time in months, I could see that truth…that horrible, UGLY truth…staring straight back at me. I felt a rush of emotions…none of them good. I felt utterly ashamed, guilty, dirty…I was all at once a failure and a disappointment to myself and to everyone else who loved me. Why hadn’t I seen it? Well, now I could see it, and it was going to STOP…right then and there.

The docs wanted me to wean off of the drug, to monitor me better. Nope. Once I saw the truth, there was no turning back. I told them to take me off of them immediately. They couldn’t prescribe me anything different for three weeks, until it was time for another month of meds. I still said no.

Those were the most horrible three weeks of my life. I went from taking 20 Norco a day to absolutely nothing. I refused to go to a detox facility. I refused to ask anyone for help. I went through withdrawals for three weeks, all on my own with no outside help. I felt like it was what I deserved. I felt like I needed to be punished for what I had done. Once the three weeks were over, the docs put me on a totally different medication…one that has NO hydrocodone and NO acetaminophen. I am beyond blessed that all tests on my liver have come back perfectly normal!

At the end of the process, I told G and my mom everything. Proving once again how amazing they both are, they concentrated on being proud of me for immediately coming off of them…all on my own, and by my own choice…than berating me for getting to that point in the first place. Since that very first day, almost a year ago, when I walked into the “principal’s office”, I haven’t had a single pill that contains hydrocodone. I’ve been seeing the psychologist ever since that day, and he has gone from “principal” to “papa.” He brags on me all the time about how I should be the poster child so that he can tell my story to others who go through the same thing. I tell him all the time that he saved my life. He claims he did nothing but find the truth. The man is ALL about the truth. 

The week after Mom died, I had to go by the pain center to pick something up. I asked the receptionist if she could give "papa" a message for me. She told me that he was in an appointment (which I'm pretty sure is what they tell everyone, regardless of what the doc is really doing!) So, I asked her if she could give him a note telling him that Mom had died. She told me to wait just a minute. About 30 seconds later, he came flying out of the hallway and grabbed me up in the biggest bear hug I’ve ever gotten. He took me back to his office and let me talk his ear off while he should've been eating lunch. You gotta love a free session! Ha! "Papa" has become so important to me. Not only is he my psychologist, counselor, life coach and guide...but I also feel a bond of friendship, gratitude, safety, pure trust, and above all...truthfulness! I wish there were words in my vocabulary to express how thankful I am to have "gone to the 'principal's' office" so many months ago.

Anyway…so, yes, I’ve been “clean” for almost a year. And yes, I am getting professional help during all of this. I’m so grateful that I already had established a great relationship with “papa” so that I didn’t have the extra stress of getting used to a new psychologist while this was going on. I had another session with him last week. Instead of the usual 45 minutes, we ended up talking for over an hour and a half.

This little story DOES have a happy ending! I am now taking new meds. I’m actually taking a lot LESS than prescribed. I’ve even been able to have the doc take it DOWN a notch instead of increasing it. My pain has been more than bearable since I came off the Norco. I feel happier. I have MORE energy. I’m finally “me” again. It feels wonderful. 

                                 

I am immensely blessed that my story turned out to have a happy ending. So many people out there end up with not-so-happy endings. My own experience was a blink in time compared to some who deal with addiction their entire lives. My heart and prayers go out to them. I hope and pray that their saving grace walks through their door any minute!